Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
