Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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