Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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