Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
