wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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