i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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