Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
