I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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