I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
