Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
