You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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