apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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