For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
