Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
