If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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