so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
