I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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