I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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