watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it hurts more in the daytime
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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