Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
