Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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