The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
