he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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