I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
