it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
