I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
