Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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