So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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