My cat gives me a boner
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
