Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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