i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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