Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
