People in love make me want to vomit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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