he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
