I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
