i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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