Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
