Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
