I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
