She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
