Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
