my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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