My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
