He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
