I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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