I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
