Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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