sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
His nipple licking is glorious
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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