i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
