Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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