I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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