u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
