My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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