I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
