Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
