is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
