R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
